It needs to be said

Writing this post is probably one of the hardest things I have done. Ever. I contemplated even writing it, because it would leave me so exposed. I hate that feeling. But, I know that it needs to be said. More for my accountability reasons then anything else. Judge me if you wish. But I have started a new leg of my journey to day...and I need to be honest. Especially if I want to succeed.


When you hear the word addiction, what do you think of? Me, I think of things such as drugs, sex, pills, alcohol, gambling. You know, things that are either A.)Unhealthy or B.)Have a potential to have a profoundly negative effect on your life. Until today,I never even toyed with the notion that I might be battling an addiction.


A food addiction.


Today, I walked into the gym where I was to meet with a personal trainer for a "consultation". I was really embarrassed. What was he going to think of me? This overweight  obese girl who couldn't seem to get her weight under control. I was forced to be honest. We talked about my eating habits. My goals. My problems. 


Then he asked me a question I have never been asked before: Do you think you might be addicted to food?


I almost laughed. Addicted? No. That is for people that weigh 500 pounds and can't do anything without having some sort of food in their hand. You know, the people who mindlessly eat an entire bag of chocolate in a day? 


Wait.


I can't sit and read a book or watch television without having something to snack on. I can't walk past the cupboard in the kitchen without snagging a piece of chocolate or four. Me. Food is my crutch. When I am stressed, sad, angry, whatever, I turn to food. 


Turns out, I am more than just an emotional eater. I am addicted to food.


Admiting that brings tears to my eyes. Because, for the first time, I truly see that this is bigger than me. This is bigger than anything I  have ever experienced in my life.


But, that doesn't mean that I can't change. And it doesn't mean I won't. 


While I was sitting in that room with my personal trainer, he took my measurements again...


Turns out, I did do it wrong the other day...


My hips are not 43 inches. They are 52inches.


My blood pressure was 173 over something. Dangerously high.


The numbers where there. The facts where there. There was no denying who I had let myself become.


Today I found out I was a food addict.


Today is also the first day of the rest of my new life.


I will beat this. 


I will succeed.