A sad realization

This past week wasn't good. By any stretch of the word. But, it was eye opening to say the least. I finally have a clear idea of my place in certain people's lives.

But that wasn't what my sad realization was.

I've gained some weight. My clothes no longer fit comfortably. Some of the health problems I had prior to losing all this weight, have started to come back. I am not working out. In short, I feel like I have just given up.

I can't be an effective personal trainer or coach if I can't get my own life under control. I mean, whose going to trust a personal trainer like me?

And that realization hurts. Big time. Personal training and everything else I do, means the world to me. I worked hard to get to that point. I love being a trainer. I love being able to help people change their lives. But, if I can't change my own life, then how can I help others change theirs?

For the past two years, my goal was to become a personal trainer and make a name for myself in the fitness industry. I wanted to be the next greatest success story...instead, I feel like just another failure.

I am not writing this post for sympathy. I am writing it because from day one, I promised to always be transparent when it came to this journey. Trust me, putting myself out there like this is hard...and I know emails will come in (as they always do) ripping me apart. And that's okay. Over the last couple of years, I have developed a thick skin.

I still believe I can be a great trainer.  I still believe I can change people's lives. And I still believe I can be the next greatest success story.

I just need to work a little harder.

And Then They Laughed

"I want to compete in a figure competition." No sooner were those words out of my mouth when I started regretting ever uttering them. My proclamation was, at first, met with blank stares. Looks of confusion (and in some cases, horror) washed over their faces. Then, as my words sunk in,  smiles crept across their faces.

And then, they laughed.

It wasn't that I didn't expect some sort of negativity. Over the past few years, this particular group of people have been anything but supportive of me in any aspect of my life. Be it personal or professional. But, I was excited. And I have been making huge strides in my weight loss journey. And I wanted them to see that I was serious about this. But, they laughed.

At first, I thought they were laughing because they didn't believe me. I mean, how does a quiet, obese girl from the midwest turn into a wanna-be figure competitor? Especially this girl from the midwest? I thought that maybe, just maybe their laughter was just the initial disbelief that I would do something so out of the ordinary for me.

But, as their laughter subsided, the reasoning behind their laughter was made public. And it wasn't disbelief that sent them into fits of laughter.

"You are going to fail." "What makes you think you are competition material?" "You will never be able to achieve what it is you are going for." "Let's just get a big mac and call it day." "No one wants to see you in a two piece, trust me." The list went on. And on. (In fact, two days late, I am still receiving text messages and emails from people who are trying to talk me out of this. Lest I embarrass, not myself, but them.

Normally, this would have sent me into hiding. I would have backed out of wanting to compete. Scaled back on my workouts and said "You're right." But, not this time.

It's been two years since I started my journey to a happier and healthier me. It's taken me two years to get to this point. The point where I believe enough in myself to do something so out of the box.

And you know what? I don't care that they laughed. And are still laughing.

Because in 2013, when I walk across that stage in front of them and everyone else (this is one of the reasons I chose IL as the place to compete...) it's going to be me laughing.