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| Via Wiki Commons |
Sitting down to write this post, I feel like I am standing naked in front of a crowd. Exposed. I am afraid that no matter what I write in this little box, someone, somewhere is going to twist my words and use them against me.
Yesterday, I hit a breaking point. As I sat on the couch, eating like an apocolypse was coming, I realized something. I didn't care. Steve asked me "What about all that hard work?" I shook my head, it didn't matter. At that point, I realized that I had hit bottom and hard.
I knew that if I wanted to go back down the same road I had just come from, that I could just keep on doing what I was doing. Not caring. But, if I wanted to finally get a handle on things, finally shut my fat girl up for good and actually win this war, then I was going to have to do something drastic.
So, I called a therapist. Yes, there I said it, I am in therapy now for my eating disorder. I spoke to my therapist for over an hour on the phone today. I told her that I didn't know why I was calling her, that I was certain that if I just got my head back into things, that I could get a grip on my eating. She listened quietly while I listed all the reasons why therapy wasn't for me. She listened to me say that I can do this on my own. When there was break in my rambling she asked me "So, why did you call me?" I was silent. In my heart I knew why I called her. But my head didn't want to admit that I was that flawed. Finally I whispered "I need help."
Admiting that I need help, that this is bigger than me was hard. I don't like admiting that I need help. I have this perception of what I should be. And needed to seek help for an eating disorder is not in that perception.
We covered a lot of ground during our conversation today. I felt raw and exposed. But, I also felt good. I felt new. A glimmer of hope returned.
It's okay to admit that you need help. Sometimes life is bigger than us. It doesn't mean I am weak. It doesn't mean that I am any less of a person.
It simply means...
I'm human.
I feel like complete and utter crap today. I am not going to lie. My food choices that last few days...sucked. I knew they sucked when I made them. I knew they sucked when I ate that crap. I knew that I would feel lower than low when all was said and done, but I did it anyways.
My stress levels have been extremely high lately. There is so much going on that I don't know which way is up anymore. I am sad because its been TWO weeks since I have been able to meet with my trainer. Between his schedule and mine (which is jacked due to Steve's new job) there just isn't time. And it sucks. It makes me sad because I need that added accountability that I get from him. Yea, I go to the gym but it's not the same. There is no one telling me to keep going, no on telling me just 2 more minutes. The last few times I went to the gym, I found myself having to force myself to stay past the 30 minute mark.
Garbage in. Garbage out.
I am putting garbage, physically and mentally, into my body. It only makes sense that what I get in return is garbage. Even my inner fat girl is shaking her head and asking me "What the hell are you doing to yourself?" Steve looks at me and just shakes his head when I tell him what I have eaten that day. I know he's dissappointed, I know my trainer would be dissappointed in me if he saw this post. Hell, I am dissappointed in myself.
I know better. I know better then to turn to food when I am stressed or feeling down. Food does not equal love or acceptance. I know this. So why do I do this? Why do I work so hard and turn around and do this to myself without a second thought.
I try to not be so hard on myself, but it's not an easy task. Steve or my trainer may forgive me for making not-so-bright choices in the food area but I can't forgive myself. Especially after two days of eating crap.
So, I am at a point where I need to do something different. And now. I need to look deep within myself and see the girl who lost the weight even while others waited for me to fail. I need to find the girl who overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
I need to find Me.
Sometimes, I don't realize just how strong I really am until I find myself down on my knees. Last week was one of those weeks. A week where i didn't know what was next. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to quit. I was frustrated. I had let my fat girl be the dominant figure in my life.
Again.
Then I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself "this is not acceptable." No wanting to give up everytime I had a bad day. If I did, then I would be right backe to where I was a few months ago.
Fat.
Obese.
Unhappy.
I don't want to be any of those things ever again.
I weigh myself daily. Neurotic? Maybe. But, it keeps me on task. It keeps my head in the game and reminds me just what it is I am doing. Above my scale hangs my "before" picture. I look at that girl everyday and everyday I get one step closer to telling her goodbye forever.
Today, I hit a major milestone.
I have lost sixty yes sixty pounds since the end September/Early October 2010. This is huge. I have never been able to lose, and keep off, 6 pounds, let alone 60. The inches are coming off as well. For the first time in my adult life I am now wearing large in clothes. Yes that is only ONE letter on the tag. I am excited because I am finally a good and positive role model not only for my kids, but to others as well.
I have lost this weight through hard work and determination. No fad diets. No dangerous eating. But through good choices and hard work.
Think it can't be done?
It can.
I still have 15 pounds to go to my goal of 160. Although, I know that I could actually stand to weigh between 155-150. But my goal of 160 is just a few pounds away.
Suddenly, it seems as if it is actually obtainable.
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| via Google Imagest |
Today, I officially regained control over my inner fat girl. After a week of feeling like crap on many different levels, I finally told her to pack her bags...because I was back.
Sometimes, when things get hard, the easiest thing to do is just quit. Sometimes it seems like quitting is the only way get out of whatever "funk" you might find yourself in.
I wanted to quit.
But, quitting was never an option. Ever.
I have started, quit, restarted, and quit again this journey. Many, many times. I never felt better after I quit. In fact, I usually felt worse. And those feelings of self-worthlessness, self loathing, would become the new norm for me.
Not any more.
Today, I regained my control over the fat girl that ran my life for so many years. I pulled myself up by the bootstraps, looked myself in the mirror and told myself that quitting is not an option. Not now. Not ever.
There are always going to be days like last week. That is part of the challenge of losing weight. It isn't supposed to be easy. It's suppose to challenge me every day. And everyday, when I face those challenges I am reminded not only how far I really do have left to walk in this journey, but also how far I really have come from where I used to be.
I realized something about myself today...I am a people-pleaser. Which, in itself isn't all bad. But, I am such a people pleaser that sometimes, okay alot of the time, I am overly harsh on myself because I don't want to let people down.
I spent a lot of my late teens and early to mid twenties letting people down. I did things that I am not proud of. I wasn't the best friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister that I could be to the people that mean everything to me. I am sure that I dissapointed people on a regular basis.
Since getting it all together and making it a point to not be that girl again, I have morphed into this people-pleasing monster.
When I first started working on losing the weight and reclaiming my life, I knew that I was doing this for me. But, even though I am doing this for me, there is still an underlying feeling of letting people down if I don't succeed to what I believe their standards are. When in truth, they are happy with me being who I am. Doing my best and always moving forward. I know that. But at the same time, I don't want to let them down. I don't want to be a dissappointment. I want to be someone that people are proud to say that's my wife, that's my friend, my sister, my daughter.
I realized today that the fear of disspointing people from my trainer to my family, is what has been a driving force in this journey. And it can't be that way anymore.
If I am always afraid of letting people down, then how will I ever move forward? How will I be truly happy? At the end of the day, does it really matter if I dissapoint someone? Not really. Because I am doing the very best that I can do on a daily basis. Even when I have setbacks or days like last week when my eating disorder reared it's ugly head, I know that I can get back on track. I know, that at the end of the day, as long as I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am, then that is the only thing that matters.
The people who belong in my life will be proud of me for being me, not something they think I should be. And those who aren't...
Well, there's the door. It's time to do me.
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| Google Images |
I like my comfort zone. It's comfy. I've been s.l.o.w.l.y expanding my comfort zone over the last few months. The operative word here is slowly. And while change is an inevitable part of life...it doesn't mean that I have to embrace it. Does it?
I find myself standing at the very edge of my comfort zone right now. One foot on the "not so sure" zone and one still planted firmly in the comfort zone. I have been blessed beyond words to have a fantastic personal trainer. One whom I am certain that without, I wouldn't have had the success (or motivation) to get as far as I have gotten. I have been trying forever to lose this weight. And it took me finding my personal trainer for it to happen.
Now, I am having to do more of this on my own. Our schedules don't quite mesh so well right now (and that's okay. I am very excited for my trainer, he has just opened his own gym and I couldn't be happier for him. He's awesome and is going to do awesome.) Tonight, for just a minute, I found myself on the verge of tears. I didn't realize just how much I had come to depend on my trainer until I had to face the possibility of us having less time together. Even though that is supposed to happen...eventually.
I have to step out of my comfort zone and have more confidence in my ability to do this. On my own. My trainer has given me wonderful tools and has always remained available for my emails and texts (no matter how neurotic they may be) and, in his absence, I need to use those tools. I need to take what he has taught me and just do it. Sure, it makes me sad that things don't mesh quite as well right now. But, I know that if I stay in my comfort zone I am never going to grow. I am never going to reach my full potential.
So, I will take a deep breath and step out of my comfort zone. I will do this. I will make my trainer proud.
I will make myself proud.
I.Am.Broken. There, I said it. I was broken 50-some pounds ago too. I am still broken. Turns out, if you don't fix what is broken, it is likely to break again. Slapping a bandaid on it and pretending that everything is okay doesn't work. Well, not in the long run. You can only pretend to be okay for so long before all those balls you are trying to keep in the air come falling down around you and you find yourself flat on your ass.
Which, by the way, is where I am right now.
I am not sure when, or how, exactly I became broken again. All I know, is I am. I feel like I am at the very beginning of this journey again. Having to face the same demons. Climb the same hills.
The fact is, I have an eating disorder. Even typing that out made me cringe a little. For the past few months I have referred to it as a "food addiction" rarely phrasing it as an eating disorder. And rarely treating it with the respect that it deserved.
And so, I am broken again.
I try to find small victories in my broken state. Atleast, now, I can see the signs before it gets out of hand. But, I can't take comfort in that. At least not right now. Because even though I caught it before it got out of hand, I still found myself eating more and excercising less the last couple of days. It still happened.
My fat girl became the predominant figure again. After four months of relegating her to the back of my mind, she broke through my defenses.
In order to actually move beyond what is broken, you actually need to fix what is broken.
Now, it's time to fix it. For good.
I don't do stress. I hate it. When I am stressed out, I retreat to my little corner and hide. I hate dealing with life when I am stressed. I shut down and keep everyone at a distance. In the past, I would retreat to my little corner and eat. Now, I don't eat. But, I still retreat to my corner and hide. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel...blah.
I am under some stress right now. A lot. I tend to keep my plate very full when it comes to work and life. I like it that way...really. I also add to my plate regularly. Which is probably something I shouldn't do. Or atleast if I am going to do that, I should really learn to manage stress better. I feel like I have to perform to a certain level to please people in my life, friends, family, my trainer. Therefore, I add more to my plate, while the pile that is already there continues to mock me. Overwhelm me. Ultimately, I end up shutting down. The stress becomes too much. I have this idea in my head of what I am supposed to be to all of these people. What I think people expect of me. And when I come up short (in my eyes) of their expectations, I come down on myself. Hard. Which results in more stress.
The more stressed I become, the more it affects me. From my work to relationships to how I eat to how I feel. The stress...much of what I put on myself...touches every aspect of my life. And it sucks.
Today, I had a moment where I felt like throwing my laptop against the wall, shutting off my phone, and saying "to hell with all of it." (Luckily that moment was fleeting..my manuscripts on this computer.) I was upset that I wasn't where I wanted to be with my life. I didn't see my successes. All I saw were my failures. Lots of them. So, I sat myself down and had a talk...(it's normal to talk to yourself, right? lol) This has to stop. Today.
I can't spend my life trying to conform to what I think other people want from me. I can't continue to feel like I am not good enough. I can't continue to let the stress of my failures stumbling blocks paralyze me this way anymore. I can't. And I won't.
I am letting go. Letting go of what I think people want me to be. Letting go of my mistakes. Letting go of the stress. I am letting go of the negatives and taking the positives and moving forward. I am who I am. I won't continue to put myself through this on a daily basis. Not when it touches every aspect of my life.
I am the only one who is in control of how my life goes. It's time to let go and make it happen.
When I am at the grocery store, I don't judge people based on what's in their cart. I don't look twice when I see a mom filling her cart with overproccessed and under nutritional foods. Sure, now a days it bothers me a little bit, mainly because I think if healthier foods were more available and more affordable, people would eat them rather then the processed stuff. Also, if you open my cabneits, you will probably find some proccessed foods (My husband is an adult, a picky adult).
For the most part, I eat clean. I read lables and stay away from anything that isn't whole grains, organic, all natural, or fruit and veggies. I try. It's a life style that is hard to adapt when you are used to eating crap most of your life.
Today was grocery day. I went in armed with 2 weeks worth of clean meals and snacks. I told my kids "no junk food" (although Cookie Crisp Cereal made into the basket at some point) and I let them help me pick out frozen and fresh fruits and veggies. My basket was loaded with whole, natural, and healthy foods. As I was checking out, there was a woman behind me in line. Her basket was filled to the brim with cookies, cupcakes, pop, cheetos, frozen dinners (Kids cuisine) fried foods. Again, I don't judge. I am putting my things up on the belt when she says "excuse me? Is that Tofu?" I nodded "Yep" and turned back as Aidan asked me "Can I have chocolate mommy" I told him no, I bought grapes he can have. "Do you let you kids eat anything good?" The lady behind me asked. I was confused. Good? I had a basket full of good food and I said as much. "You make you kids eat that? That's crap. Let them be kids. Seriously, people like you make me sick." My jaw hit the floor. And I was sad.
Not because she said those things. And not because I think I am depriving my children of anything. But because I wanted to just stop right there and tell her my story. I wanted to tell her that I was her not to long ago. I never used to shop in the produce section...ever. My cart would always be full of crap like hers...
Then I discovered I had an eating disorder and my world changed. My life changed. I don't look at it as depriving my kids of anything. I am giving them a positive example and laying a solid foundation for them to develop healthy eating habits. I am not setting them up to have to fight for their lives the way I had to. The way I still have to.
Instead I turned my back and focused on finishing checking out and getting my kids ready to go. As I was walking away, I heard the cashier give her her total. 50 bucks more (and she had less than I did) then my total. And in true Melissa fashion I turned to her as I walked out of the store...
"That is why I don't feed my kids that stuff."
Ask anyone who knows me to describe me. I can almost promise that one word that would never be on their list is runner. It just isn't me. The last time I ran? Highschool. Twelve years ago.
Running has never been on my list of things I wanted to do. At my heaviest I would rather walk in the pouring rain from the car to the store then run. Most of the time, Steve would be in the store before I even reached the door. I was fat. I was uncomfortable. My "fat" rule about running: Don't run unless you are being chased. And even then I would still be an easy target. I don't run. That isn't me. Or atleast, it wasn't who I was.
Now? I am slowly becoming a runner. I have decided to run a 1/2 marathon in May. A full marathon in October and every 5 and 10k I can get into between then. I ran today. And while it wasn't for very long, I still did it. I still ran. And you wanna know a secret? I liked it.
When I think about who I am now versus who I was then, the transformation is amazing. Running is something I would never do in the past. And now, I find myself devouring all the information I can find on running.
Whether I morph into a "hardcore" runner or not, remains to be seen.
But for now, I will enjoying being one of the most unlikely things...a runner.
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| Via Google Images |
I am notorious for setting the bar a little on the high side for myself. I am also notorious for being way to hard on myself when I don't reach that bar. But, 2011 has brought forth a new me. One who has her goals and priorities straight. One who is working to achieve those goals.
I have commited to running a 1/2 marathon (But, I am leaning towards doing the full marathon) in May. May 15th to be exact. Now, I will admit, I am not a runner. Atleast not yet. But, this is something that I want to do. This is something that I have to do. I am not doing for anyone other than ME. I am doing this for myself. For a while now, I have talked about wanting to run a marathon,1/2 marathons, 5 and 10ks. I want to run. Simply because for years I haven't been able to walk at a brisk pace, let alone run. Now, I am in the best shape I have ever been in and getting better each week.
I am confident I can do this. I am also confident that I have bitten off more than I can chew. Which only leaves me two choices...Chew it or Spit it out.
I am going to chew it ;)
Today I did my usual arguing with myself before lacing up my shoes and grabbing my iPod and heading to the gym. I wasn't feeling the greatest and knew that a workout could potentially make me feel worse. But, still I went.
I have been going the the gym long enough now, that I am considered a "regular". The staff knows me and regularly compliments me on my progress. Some of the other members know me and stop to chat and see how this journey is going. I like it. I like that I am making changes and that they are visible to other people.
What I don't like is the people who don't seem to possess on iota of tact. Especially the really skinny, really athletic girl on the treadmill next to me today.
She asks me how much weight I have lost. I tell her "As of today I have lost 54 pounds" She asks me how long I have been doing it, I tell her 3 or 4 months but most of it has been during the last 2 months. She looks at me and tells me "Well, as fast as you lose it is as fast as it comes back. And you seem like the kind of person who will gain it back easy. But, nice try." I. Kid. You. Not. I don't even know this girl. All I know is she planted a seed of doubt that has since grown into an amazon rainforest of self doubting.
Is it true? Am I really destined to gain this back? Am I just kidding myself by thinking that I can really pull this off? And of course, while I am doubting myself (again...I can see my trainer beating his head against his desk right about now) my fat girl is running in circles saying "haha I was right. You will never stay this way." I have tried to brush it off. Some people seriously have no tact. But it wasn't just that. This girl said what had been eating away at my resolve for some time now. Even before today, I have been arguing with myself. I am scared of gaining the weight back. Scared of looking like I did in my before picture. And to have someone else say what I was thinking scared me. Because what if she is right?
So, tonight I am working on overcoming my self doubt before I sabotage myself. I am removing my rainforest of doubt...One tree at a time
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| Via Google Images |
There are good days. There are bad days. I am at a point now, where the good days seem to out number the bad. Days where I feel on top of the world. Days where I feel unstoppable. Days where I feel...invisible.
When I am feeling good about myself, my body is invisible to me. I don't notice flaws. I don't notice what I can't do. I am all about the small victories and feeling good.
But, when I am having one of those days, days where I feel like I am letting people down, days when I feel that I am not doing the best that I really can do, days when my fat girl is on a power trip, I am not so invisible.
I notice all my "problem" areas. I notice the fat. I notice what I can't do. On days like that, my fat girl is all up in my face. She is pointing out my flaws. My shortcomings. She is laughing hysterically. And you know what, I appreciate those days.
I appreciate them because they make me work that much harder. I appreciate them because they remind me of how far I really have come. I appreciate them because days like that make me appreciate the invisible days that much more.
