The More Thing Change....

Yep, I am back using Blogger again. I feel like I have come full circle. It's kind of frustrating to be here again, especially since I worked really hard to build up my blog before.

But, here I am. This change was actually needed. For many reasons. The biggest reason is that I am working on figuring out just which direction I needed to go. I have a lot on my plate right now. Which is causing my brain to go in a million different directions. And nothing is getting accomplished. I felt like I was spinning my wheels more then I was actually getting anywhere.

So, I am back at the beginning. I am redefining me. Redefining my journey.

It's okay to ask for help

Via Wiki Commons

Sitting down to write this post, I feel like I am standing naked in front of a crowd. Exposed. I am afraid that no matter what I write in this little box, someone, somewhere is going to twist my words and use them against me.

Yesterday, I hit a breaking point. As I sat on the couch, eating like an apocolypse was coming, I realized something. I didn't care. Steve asked me "What about all that hard work?" I shook my head, it didn't matter. At that point, I realized that I had hit bottom and hard.

I knew that if I wanted to go back down the same road I had just come from, that I could just keep on doing what I was doing. Not caring. But, if I wanted to finally get a handle on things, finally shut my fat girl up for good and actually win this war, then I was going to have to do something drastic.

So, I called a therapist. Yes, there I said it, I am in therapy now for my eating disorder. I spoke to my therapist for over an hour on the phone today. I told her that I didn't know why I was calling her, that I was certain that if I just got my head back into things, that I could get a grip on my eating. She listened quietly while I listed all the reasons why therapy wasn't for me. She listened to me say that I can do this on my own. When there was break in my rambling she asked me "So, why did you call me?" I was silent. In my heart I knew why I called her. But my head didn't want to admit that I was that flawed. Finally I whispered "I need help."

Admiting that I need help, that this is bigger than me was hard. I don't like admiting that I need help. I have this perception of what I should be. And needed to seek help for an eating disorder is not in that perception.

We covered a lot of ground during our conversation today. I felt raw and exposed. But, I also felt good. I felt new. A glimmer of hope returned.

It's okay to admit that you need help. Sometimes life is bigger than us. It doesn't mean I am weak. It doesn't mean that I am any less of a person.

It simply means...

I'm human.

Garbage In, Garbage Out

I feel like complete and utter crap today. I am not going to lie. My food choices that last few days...sucked. I knew they sucked when I made them. I knew they sucked when I ate that crap. I knew that I would feel lower than low when all was said and done, but I did it anyways.

My stress levels have been extremely high lately. There is so much going on that I don't know which way is up anymore. I am sad because its been TWO weeks since I have been able to meet with my trainer. Between his schedule and mine (which is jacked due to Steve's new job) there just isn't time. And it sucks. It makes me sad because I need that added accountability that I get from him. Yea, I go to the gym but it's not the same. There is no one telling me to keep going, no on telling me just 2 more minutes. The last few times I went to the gym, I found myself having to force myself to stay past the 30 minute mark.

Garbage in. Garbage out.

I am putting garbage, physically and mentally, into my body. It only makes sense that what I get in return is garbage. Even my inner fat girl is shaking her head and asking me "What the hell are you doing to yourself?" Steve looks at me and just shakes his head when I tell him what I have eaten that day. I know he's dissappointed, I know my trainer would be dissappointed in me if he saw this post. Hell, I am dissappointed in myself.

I know better. I know better then to turn to food when I am stressed or feeling down. Food does not equal love or acceptance. I know this. So why do I do this? Why do I work so hard and turn around and do this to myself without a second thought.

I try to not be so hard on myself, but it's not an easy task. Steve or my trainer may forgive me for making not-so-bright choices in the food area but I can't forgive myself. Especially after two days of eating crap.

So, I am at a point where I need to do something different. And now. I need to look deep within myself and see the girl who lost the weight even while others waited for me to fail. I need to find the girl who overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

I need to find Me.

Amazing

Sometimes, I don't realize just how strong I really am until I find myself down on my knees. Last week was one of those weeks. A week where i didn't know what was next. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to quit. I was frustrated. I had let my fat girl be the dominant figure in my life.

Again.

Then I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself "this is not acceptable." No wanting to give up everytime I had a bad day. If I did, then I would be right backe to where I was a few months ago.

Fat.

Obese.

Unhappy.

I don't want to be any of those things ever again.

I weigh myself daily. Neurotic? Maybe. But, it keeps me on task. It keeps my  head in the game and reminds me just what it is I am doing. Above my scale hangs my "before" picture. I look at that girl everyday and everyday I get one step closer to telling her goodbye forever.

Today, I hit a major milestone.

I have lost sixty yes sixty pounds since the end September/Early October 2010. This is huge. I have never been able to lose, and keep off, 6 pounds, let alone 60. The inches are coming off as well. For the first time in my adult life I am now wearing large in clothes. Yes that is only ONE letter on the tag. I am excited because I am finally a good and positive role model not only for my kids, but to others as well.

I have lost this weight through hard work and determination. No fad diets. No dangerous eating. But through good choices and hard work.

Think it can't be done?

It can.

I still have 15 pounds to go to my goal of 160. Although, I know that I could actually stand to weigh between 155-150. But my goal of 160 is just a few pounds away.

Suddenly, it seems as if it is actually obtainable.

Quitting was never an option

via Google Imagest

Today, I officially regained control over my inner fat girl. After a week of feeling like crap on many different levels, I finally told her to pack her bags...because I was back.

Sometimes, when things get hard, the easiest thing to do is just quit. Sometimes it seems like quitting is the only way get out of whatever "funk" you might find yourself in.

I wanted to quit.

But, quitting was never an option. Ever.

I have started, quit, restarted, and quit again this journey. Many, many times. I never felt better after I quit. In fact, I usually felt worse. And those feelings of self-worthlessness, self loathing, would become the new norm for me.

Not any more.

Today, I regained my control over the fat girl that ran my life for so many years.  I pulled myself up by the bootstraps, looked myself in the mirror and told myself that quitting is not an option. Not now. Not ever.

There are always going to be days like last week. That is part of the challenge of losing weight. It isn't supposed to be easy. It's suppose to challenge me every day. And everyday, when I face those challenges I am reminded not only how far I really do have left to walk in this journey, but also how far I really have come from where I used to be.

Doing ME

I realized something about myself today...I am a people-pleaser. Which, in itself isn't all bad. But, I am such a people pleaser that sometimes, okay alot of the time, I am overly harsh on myself because I don't want to let people down.

I spent a lot of my late teens and early to mid twenties letting people down. I did things that I am not proud of. I wasn't the best friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister that I could be to the people that mean everything to me. I am sure that I dissapointed people on a regular basis.

Since getting it all together and making it a point to not be that girl again, I have morphed into this people-pleasing monster.

When I first started working on losing the weight and reclaiming my life, I knew that I was doing this for me. But, even though I am doing this for me, there is still an underlying feeling of letting people down if I don't succeed to what I believe their standards are. When in truth, they are happy with me being who I am. Doing my best and always moving forward. I know that. But at the same time, I don't want to let them down. I don't want to be a dissappointment. I want to be someone that people are proud to say that's my wife, that's my friend, my sister, my daughter.

I realized today that the fear of disspointing people from my trainer to my family, is what has been a driving force in this journey. And it can't be that way anymore.

If I am always afraid of letting people down, then how will I ever move forward? How will I be truly happy? At the end of the day, does it really matter if I dissapoint someone? Not really. Because I am doing the very best that I can do on a daily basis. Even when I have setbacks or days like last week when my eating disorder reared it's ugly head, I know that I can get back on track. I know, that at the end of the day, as long as I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am, then that is the only thing that matters.

The people who belong in my life will be proud of me for being me, not something they think I should be. And those who aren't...

Well, there's the door. It's time to do me.

Stepping Out Of The Comfort Zone



Google Images

 I like my comfort zone. It's comfy. I've been s.l.o.w.l.y expanding my comfort zone over the last few months. The operative word here is slowly. And while change is an inevitable part of life...it doesn't mean that I have to embrace it. Does it?

I find myself standing at the very edge of my comfort zone right now. One foot on the "not so sure" zone and one still planted firmly in the comfort zone. I have been blessed beyond words to have a fantastic personal trainer. One whom I am certain that without, I wouldn't have had the success (or motivation) to get as far as I have gotten. I have been trying forever to lose this weight. And it took me finding my personal trainer for it to happen.

Now, I am having to do more of this on my own. Our schedules don't quite mesh so well right now (and that's okay. I am very excited for my trainer, he has just opened his own gym and I couldn't be happier for him. He's awesome and is going to do awesome.) Tonight, for just a minute, I found myself on the verge of tears. I didn't realize just how much I had come to depend on my trainer until I had to face the possibility of us having less time together. Even though that is supposed to happen...eventually.

I have to step out of my comfort zone and have more confidence in my ability to do this. On my own. My trainer has given me wonderful tools and has always remained available for my emails and texts (no matter how neurotic they may be) and, in his absence, I need to use those tools. I need to take what he has taught me and just do it. Sure, it makes me sad that things don't mesh quite as well right now. But, I know that if I stay in my comfort zone I am never going to grow. I am never going to reach my full potential.

So, I will take a deep breath and step out of my comfort zone. I will do this. I will make my trainer proud.

I will make myself proud.