A sad realization

This past week wasn't good. By any stretch of the word. But, it was eye opening to say the least. I finally have a clear idea of my place in certain people's lives.

But that wasn't what my sad realization was.

I've gained some weight. My clothes no longer fit comfortably. Some of the health problems I had prior to losing all this weight, have started to come back. I am not working out. In short, I feel like I have just given up.

I can't be an effective personal trainer or coach if I can't get my own life under control. I mean, whose going to trust a personal trainer like me?

And that realization hurts. Big time. Personal training and everything else I do, means the world to me. I worked hard to get to that point. I love being a trainer. I love being able to help people change their lives. But, if I can't change my own life, then how can I help others change theirs?

For the past two years, my goal was to become a personal trainer and make a name for myself in the fitness industry. I wanted to be the next greatest success story...instead, I feel like just another failure.

I am not writing this post for sympathy. I am writing it because from day one, I promised to always be transparent when it came to this journey. Trust me, putting myself out there like this is hard...and I know emails will come in (as they always do) ripping me apart. And that's okay. Over the last couple of years, I have developed a thick skin.

I still believe I can be a great trainer.  I still believe I can change people's lives. And I still believe I can be the next greatest success story.

I just need to work a little harder.

And Then They Laughed

"I want to compete in a figure competition." No sooner were those words out of my mouth when I started regretting ever uttering them. My proclamation was, at first, met with blank stares. Looks of confusion (and in some cases, horror) washed over their faces. Then, as my words sunk in,  smiles crept across their faces.

And then, they laughed.

It wasn't that I didn't expect some sort of negativity. Over the past few years, this particular group of people have been anything but supportive of me in any aspect of my life. Be it personal or professional. But, I was excited. And I have been making huge strides in my weight loss journey. And I wanted them to see that I was serious about this. But, they laughed.

At first, I thought they were laughing because they didn't believe me. I mean, how does a quiet, obese girl from the midwest turn into a wanna-be figure competitor? Especially this girl from the midwest? I thought that maybe, just maybe their laughter was just the initial disbelief that I would do something so out of the ordinary for me.

But, as their laughter subsided, the reasoning behind their laughter was made public. And it wasn't disbelief that sent them into fits of laughter.

"You are going to fail." "What makes you think you are competition material?" "You will never be able to achieve what it is you are going for." "Let's just get a big mac and call it day." "No one wants to see you in a two piece, trust me." The list went on. And on. (In fact, two days late, I am still receiving text messages and emails from people who are trying to talk me out of this. Lest I embarrass, not myself, but them.

Normally, this would have sent me into hiding. I would have backed out of wanting to compete. Scaled back on my workouts and said "You're right." But, not this time.

It's been two years since I started my journey to a happier and healthier me. It's taken me two years to get to this point. The point where I believe enough in myself to do something so out of the box.

And you know what? I don't care that they laughed. And are still laughing.

Because in 2013, when I walk across that stage in front of them and everyone else (this is one of the reasons I chose IL as the place to compete...) it's going to be me laughing.

Me Vs. The Squat Rack

I rarely venture over into the free weight area for anything other than a set of dumbells. Then, I normally take my weights over to an empty corner and do my workout. Away from the guys who are lifting. I don't want to be in their way. But, more than that, I don't want to humiliate myself. But lately, I have been coming out of my shell a little bit. I simply stopped caring what these guys thought. Last week, I started using the leg press. I started using the plates for other workouts.

Today, I ventured into unfamilar territory. Today was leg and calves day. And one of my workouts was the wide squat with the barbell. I didn't want to do it. Heck, I didn't even know if I knew how to use the squat rack. But, today, I decided I was going to figure it out.

And figure it out, I did. I can squat 75 inside that rack. And it's the most liberating feeling ever. Of course, I hurt my wrist and the back of my neck is jacked up a bit, (my form could have been better I am sure) but it was totally worth it.

Moral of the story? Never be afraid to try something new. You never know if you might like it.

Wordless Wednesday: I am on my way

How Did I Get Here

318. I can still remember that day clearly. I can remember those numbers on the scale mocking me "Look at what you have become." I don't think I will ever forget that day. I don't think I want to. Because looking back at that day reminds me of what I went through to get here. And how far I have come, even when I have still so far to go.

Rock bottom for me was knowing that I wasn't leaving a good legacy behind for my children. I was terrified that my kids, my daughter especially, would grow up with a skewed body image. I was afraid that, in an attempt to not be like her mom, she would develop eating disorders. It wasn't not being able to walk up stairs or tie my shoes. It was knowing that I was teaching my kids some very dangerous habits.

Everything in my life was falling apart. If I touched it, it crumbled. My marriage. My relationship with my kids. My self-image. Everything. Depression wasted no time sinking it's sharp talons into me. And soon, I became a prisoner in a self-created prison. Too scared and too weak to make an escape. I had accepted my fate. I had resigned myself to living a much shorter life, in a constant state of depression. I was fat. I was overweight. I was morbidly obese. And I was dying.

I reached out to a personal trainer, Luke, as a last ditch attempt at saving my life. Something had to change. And fast. I knew that I wanted to live. But, I didn't know how to live.

I always tell people that Luke didn't just change my life, he saved it. Even today, two years after our first meeting, he is still there for me. Our friendship extends beyond the gym and it crosses state lines. And for that, I am grateful.

When I first started working out, I hated having to stand in front of those mirrors. It made me sick. Why would I want to look at that fat girl? Soon, though, I discovered that, with each rep, each time I looked her in the eyes, I was slowly pushing her further away. I discovered that over time, her nagging voice, while not silent, was quieter. Even now, she's mouthy as hell, but most of the time, I can't hear her.

I worked hard. Everyday was a constant battle. There were so many days that I didn't want to eat right or workout. Somedays, I cried because I just couldn't do it anymore. It was too hard.

Each day, it got a little easier, and I felt a little better. Soon, I found myself craving my workouts. And before I knew it, Fitness had become my passion. More than that, helping people became my passion.

I became a Personal Trainer last year. I also am a Childhood Obesity Specialist, Weight Loss Coach, and Nutritionist.

I am lucky. I managed to find a way to climb out of the depression that surrounded me. I know that it's not always easy. But, it can be done. If you want it bad enough, it will be done.

To date, I have lost 106 pound and still counting. I am currently training to be a figure competitor next year. If I can do this....anyone can

WorkOut Of The Day

Hey folks!! I am up to my ears in work and it's a good thing!! I am getting ready to launch a few boot camps (locally and online, so keep your eyes and ears ready for those details). I have a book deal (finally) in the works. Life is good. And busy!

But, busy doesn't give me a free pass from the gym. I worked out this morning. It was a back and bicep kinda day. I am sore.

Today's workout of the day is one that you can do at home with a stability ball and a set of dumbells. *I will try to get a video done tonight to accompany this workout, but it's fairly simple*

Bent-Over Row With Dumb Bells
Pull-Over With Stability Ball and Dumb Bells
Seated Bicep Curls with Stability Ball and Dumb Bells
Wide Squat
Single leg deadlift with Kettlebell or dumb bell

Descriptions of these workouts can be found here.

Do 3 sets of 10 to 12 reps with a minute rest in between sets.

Have fun and Make it COUNT!!!

Day One In The Books

Day one of my training is in the books. And, honestly, it was a lot harder than I expected. Not so much the workout part of it, I've been lifting for a while. But the nutrition aspect.

I knew going into this that I was going to have to really dial in on my nutrition. And, dial in I did. Of course that meant sugar withdrawls something fierce (I totally picked a fight with Steve because I was feeling like crap.) I still have to play around with the calories somewhat, but overall, the nutrition aspect seems like something I will learn to enjoy. My food today was good, but it was just something a little different then I am used to eating.

I am eating 5-6 meals a day. Every 3 hours. My 3 main meals contain a starch and veggies, the other 2-3 contain something like my chicken muffins or carrot protein bars and veggies. No carbs after 7. I figure tomorrow at some point I will sit down and write about what I am eating, when, and why.

Workout for today:


Wide Pushups
Dumbell Bench Press
Flat Bench Cable Flyes
Narrow Pushups
Overhead Tricep Extensions
Tricep Pushdowns


I did 3 sets, lifting at 60% with one minute rest in between sets. (My rest involved me walking a lap in an attempt to keep my HR somewhat elevated)


For the next four weeks, my focus is on building muscle and losing fat. So, I am not doing as much cardio as I was before. In fact, I probably won't get any cardio in except for walking a few laps for the next few weeks.

This program as a whole is totally different than anything that I have ever done before, so I certainly need to play around with it somewhat. But, I felt good today during my workouts and there was no "afternoon crash" which I am sure was due to the frequency I was eating.

(For those of you wondering what program I am following, it's Jamie Eason's LiveFit program found on Bodybuilding.com)